This morning, I read an intriguing passage where Paul essentially tells the entire church at Corinth sorry, but not sorry. Paul was sorry he’d needed to send a “severe letter” scolding the Corinthians about their sinful habits, but he’s not sorry that the pain and shock of the letter brought about healthy change. (See 2 Corinthians 7:8-12)
In other words, the unpleasant experience of hearing just how painfully toxic their behavior was, brought them to a cross roads. Ultimately, they took that pain, knew that it came from Paul’s deep love for them, and channeled it into growth.
Of course, that doesn’t always happen.
Sometimes people — especially those with narcissistic tendencies — refuse to acknowledge their behavior, or refuse to accept real responsibility. They may cry, say sorry, beg forgiveness, and act emotional — but if they are pressed for commitment to change or to openly admit fault, then the attitude changes to one of blame, projection, denial, and accusation. That’s when you know the repentance isn’t genuine. That’s the kind of sorrow Paul says “results in spiritual death.”
I hear this multiple times a week from heartbroken wives who are married to narcissists, addicts, and abusers. When caught, their husbands sound exceedingly sorry. But when held accountable, they spew vitriol and hatred, or deceitfully manipulate those who are insisting on healthy change.
Trapped in these cycles, wives shoulder the burden of keeping their abuser’s secrets — addiction, adultery, pornography, molestation, angry outbursts, etc. — for fear that truthful transparency will bring painful consequences to the abuser they love. Paul’s message, however, urges us to view these situations as opportunities for those very same consequences to be a catalyst for authentic change. In other words, Paul’s philosophy would set free those who spend their lives covering a spouse’s sins to shield them from the fallout.
Throughout the entire Bible those who tried to hide their sin were consistently exposed in order to either repent or be punished. In fact, in every story where spouses or family members covered up someone’s sinful choice, those complicit in the hiding were punished equally. Think of Achan and his family, Ananias and Sapphira, etc.
Loving well doesn’t include covering up sin.
It doesn’t include allowing abusive behavior to continue. It never means accepting blame for someone else’s choices. It means refusing to be manipulated and twisted into participation.
Loving well means speaking truth so others are not enabled to continue hurting themselves or those around them. It means mustering the courage to reject blame that isn’t yours to take. It means standing strong even when your abuser tries to make you believe their consequences are all your fault.
Loving well means doing the right thing for the abuser’s character — which doesn’t include shrinking away in silence, or allowing them to continue behaving badly toward you or other vulnerable victims.
If ever there was an appropriate time for sorry, not sorry, it’s in speaking out against abuse.
(Submitted by Betty Dean. Written by Sarah McDugal. Used by permission from www.LifeandHealth.org. Courtesy of LifeSpring – Resources for Hope and Healing Stuart, VA)
