But consider another angle.
What if confronting your abuser — frightening as it may sound — is actually important for them to have a chance at healthy change, or even at eternal salvation?
What if refusing to accept the smallest referred or projected responsibility for the abuser’s actions, is the only way they will begin to understand what their choices do to other people, and how serious their behavior patterns are?
What if the victim’s silence is what allows abusers to keep on hurting other people unchecked; short-circuiting their opportunities for spiritual, social, and emotional growth?
What if an abuser needs to actually experience the pain of staring at their toxicity in the mirror, in order to decide whether or not they want to be healthy enough to submit to the process of transformation and developing healthy habits of thought and behavior?
Ultimately, to love well means rejecting misplaced blame for the actions of others and accepting responsibility for our own decisions while having the courage to help our loved ones face their flaws, embrace the chance to change, and grow through the experience.
LETTING SOMEONE STAY TOXIC IS NOT LOVING THEM WELL.
In addition, returning responsibility for toxic behavior back on the abuser allows you to observe firsthand whether they actually have any intentions toward lasting change, rather than grasping at empty promises.
In healthy relationships between people who make human mistakes, there are going to be times when both parties screw it all up. Times when you both need to face yourself in all your ugliness and accept that you’ve hurt someone you love. We’re all selfish on some level, and sinful, and quick to judge.
The determining factor is what we do with that information.
Do you recoil in shock and horror at how you’ve caused pain, say sorry, and then pour immense effort into correcting the situation and making it right?
Does the other person, the one who acted in toxic ways toward you, accept their responsibility in the situation and genuinely work toward a healthy change?
Does it last?
Often, people will say sorry over and over again, but as soon as the heat of the moment has passed, it’s back to the usual. There’s never a lasting change. Never a sense of heart transformation. Never a significant effort at not making the same mistake or causing the same pain next time.
How Do You Know They’re Really Sorry?
If, when confronted with how their behavior is hurting others and given non-negotiable options for repentance and restitution, the abuser rejects the process, makes excuses, or insists it is everyone else’s fault — then you have your answer.
However, if they are willing to accept accountability, embrace humility, take responsibility, and communicate transparently throughout the process — then it is entirely possible for the relationship to journey toward healing.
(Submitted by Betty Dean. Written by Sarah McDugal. Used by permission from www.LifeandHealth.org. Courtesy of LifeSpring – Resources for Hope and Healing Stuart, VA.)
